Monday Morning Funnies

The Gate Is Broken

St. Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!"
[I really gotta stop doing these lawyer jokes!]

Light Bulbs and Christians

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten...One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness!

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be the one that has been chosen to be changed.

Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But the light might go out if you don't mail your donation today!

Q: How many liberal Lutheran theologians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least 10, because they need to debate whether the light bulb exists. If they agree upon the bulb's existence, they might refrain from changing it to avoid alienating those who use other forms of light.

Q: How many independent fundamentalist Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. Any more might result in too much cooperation.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer candles!

You're Grounded

One day in church, the priest delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..."
A young boy jumped up & shouted, "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"

Healthy Christians

Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven.

As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!"

"Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner."

The Plus Sign

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"


Make it a great week!

-Pastor Randy