Monday Funnies

One night a robber broke into a home. While he was aggressively searching through a desk the robber heard a voice say, ''Jesus is watching you!”

He yelled, ''Who said that?!''

Once again the robber heard the same thing, ''Jesus is watching you!''

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was and the parrot replied, ''Arthur.''

The robber said, ''Ha ha! Who names a parrot that?!”

With attitude the parrot laughs, ''Ha ha! The same person who named the pit-bull BEHIND you Jesus!!"

________________________________________

Who are the five most constipate men in the Old Testament?

Cain - because he wasn’t Abel.

Moses – he went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.

King David – he sat on the throne for forty years.

Solomon – neither heaven nor earth could move him.

Noah – because he was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.

_______________________________________


One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny Midwest town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from an evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving.....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused and irritated the Devil a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

"Yep, sure do," the elderly man said.

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

This time the man said, "Nope, sure ain't!"

Satan, a little more perturbed at this, asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 56 years."

________________________________________

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Make it a great week...let Christ shine in and through you!

-Pastor Randy