How to Restore a Relationship

Here are seven biblical steps to restoring fellowship:
1. Talk to God before talking to the person. Discuss the problem with God. If you will pray about the conflict first instead of gossiping to a friend, you will often discover that either God changes your heart or he changes the other person without your help. All your relationships would go smoother if you would just pray more about them.
As David did with his Psalms, use prayer to ventilate vertically. Tell God your frustrations. Cry out to him. He’s never surprised or upset by your anger, hurt, insecurity, or any other emotions. So tell him exactly how you feel. The apostle James noted that many of our conflicts are caused by prayerlessness: "What causes fights and quarrels among you?… You want something but don't get it.… You do not have, because you do not ask God." (James 4:1-2, NIV) Instead of looking to God, we look to others to make us happy and then get angry when they fail us. God says, "Why don't you come to me first?"
2. Always take the initiative. It doesn't matter whether you are the offender or the offended. God expects you to make the first move. Don't wait for the other party. Go to them first. Restoring broken fellowship is so important, Jesus commanded that it even take priority over group worship. He said, "If you enter your place of worship and are about to make an offering, but you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God." (Matt. 5:23-24, Msg)
When fellowship is strained or broken, plan a peace conference immediately. Don't procrastinate, make excuses, or promise, "I'll get around to it someday." Schedule a face-to-face meeting as soon as possible. Delay only deepens resentment and makes matters worse. In conflict, time heals nothing; it causes hurts to fester.
Acting quickly also reduces the spiritual damage to you. The Bible says sin, including unresolved conflict, blocks our fellowship with God and keeps our prayers from being answered, besides making us miserable. Job's friends reminded him, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do," (Job 5:2, TEV) and "You're only hurting yourself with your anger." (Job 18:4, TEV)
The success of a peace conference often depends on choosing the right time and place to meet. Don't meet when either of you are tired, rushed or could be interrupted. The best time is when you both are at your best.
3. Sympathize with their feelings. Use your ears more than your mouth. Before attempting to solve any disagreement you must first listen to people's feelings. Paul advised, "Look out for one another's interests, not just for your own." (Philip. 2:4, TEV) The phrase "look out for" is the Greek word skopos, from which we form our words telescope and microscope. It means pay close attention! Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions.
Don't try to talk people out of how they feel at first. Just listen and let them unload emotionally without being defensive. Nod that you understand even when you don't agree. Feelings are not always true or logical. In fact, resentment makes us act and think in foolish ways. David admitted, "When my thoughts were bitter and my feelings were hurt, I was as stupid as an animal." (Psalm 73:21-22, TEV) We all act beastly when hurt.
In contrast, the Bible says, "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." (Prov. 19:11, NIV) Patience comes from wisdom, and wisdom comes from hearing the perspective of others. Listening says, "I value your opinion, I care about our relationship, and you matter to me." The cliché is true: People don't care what we know until they know we care.
To restore fellowship "we must bear the 'burden' of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others ... Let's please the other fellow, not ourselves, and do what is for his good." (Rom. 15:2, LB) It is a sacrifice to patiently absorb the anger of others, especially if it's unfounded. But remember, this is what Jesus did for you. He endured unfounded, malicious anger in order to save you. "Christ did not indulge his own feelings ... as scripture says: The insults of those who insult you fall on me." (Rom. 15:3, NJB)

To be continued on Friday...

-Pastor